Boy, it's been a looooog time since I've blogged.
But, that's not the subject of this post.
I also have a son. I've mentioned him in the past. Gruntman and I have had a rather strained, up and down, rollercoaster ride of a relationship the past several years. He is now 20. Trust me, there have been many a night that I've cried upon my bed, and wrestled with God over my son. Many a wrestling matchs where I have come away, not with Jacob's limp, but a broken and worried heart. And yes, that flies in the face of trust, and faith, and trust, and yes, there is a "but" coming.... "but" he's my son. BooBoo and I are extremely close, some say closer than they've seen a mother and daughter. She holds my heart and that will always be so. But Gruntman....I can't explain it. Loving your children defies logic and reason, and that just proves that love is more than a choice. You never love your children "more" though you certainly love them "differently". And since love is NOT just a matter of choice and action, but also, and especially, feeling, and emotion, my feelings of love towards Gruntman has always been of the more chaotic variety, waxing and wanning from utter elation to thread bare agony. No one makes me laugh as hard and no one can make me cry the way he does. BooBoo holds my heart with care and consideration, while Gruntman holds my heart with recklessness.
So, one night, not too long ago, after I'd purposed in my heart to become more self protective when it comes to Gruntman, he woke me up at 3 am to tell me he'd done something really really stupid. In the haze of sleep I heard all those voices in my head that told me to let him have it. Ah, now was my chance for the "I told you so", "or too bad, so sad" or "gee, bucko, you made your bed".... every voice in my head was high pitched, and whiny and seeking revenge. Now I've GOT him!!
I remembered all those "how to be a good Christian parent" books that told me to not enable him, and lay it down hard on the tough love and consequence stuff, and was preparing my "hit him while he's down" speech in my head, when a still small voice whispered...
"Mercy triumphs over judgement".
and all that so called logic and reason became undone.
I listened to him; I heard him out, and caught a real glimpse of what has been driving his behaviour lately. I told him I would help him with his problem and see him through to the end of it. I told him I loved him, always have, always will, and nothing he has done, or can do, will ever change that. It occurred to me that the thing that he did, and the thing that he lost as a result of it, has it's own natural consequence, and I don't have to impose mine to make him "learn a lesson". It has also occurred to me that the best lessons are those that the Father teachs when we all get out of the way with our own modes of punishment, and let Him in to the mix, to probe and prod and awaken the heart. Who better than to enter into my son's conscience than God... His gentle, encouraging voice is far far better than this mother's derision in his head.
A very real shift has occurred in our relationship since that morning wake up call. It was a wake up call in more ways than one. I had prayed earlier that week to show me a way, and then this thing happened, and it feels to me that Holy Spirit was saying "here is your chance, follow My way of mercy, and do not heep judgement, and see what I will do"
I believe now that if I had of responded the way I wanted to our relationship would have been irrepairably harmed. Mercy does indeed triumph over judgement.
