Reflecting

Wow! I just went almost 2 weeks without the internet. It's crazy how much I've come to rely on that bit of technological wizardry....for banking, for purchasing things like tickets to plays, for communicating with friends and family via email or on Facebook, and even for viewing my daughters wedding pictures. My, how times have changed. Back when I got married, the photographer spread a bunch of 3 x 5's on a table with little numbers stuck on the back, and you picked the ones you liked best, and then he went and had them blown up, and you had to frame them.

Now? You enter the photographers website, go to the client section, enter a password, usually your daughters maiden name, and voila, you sit online for 2 hours viewing a digital slide show. Amazing. Though, I must say, I still kinda like the idea of actual photographs, sitting in a book on my coffee table.

So, that all said, it's amazing how much both the world and I have changed in the past 25 years. My husband and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary on June 30. To say the least, that's a milestone. Several things come to mind when I think about it, not the least of which is how people react when I tell them it's been 25 years....most people are incredulous, like staying married for 25 years is some monumental achievement worthy of lofty admiration. If only they knew.

Staying married for 25 years was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But also one of the most worthwhile things I've ever done.

I experienced some of my worst pain in those years but also some of my most joyous moments.

We had two kids...would never change that. We got married really really young....might have changed that. If I knew then what I know now, would I have married him?? Depending on what day you ask that question. Some days I would say absolutely not....and others, for sure!!

Did I know what love was when we got married? Hmmmm...a question for the ages. Back then, I would have insisted that love was the giddy, rapturous feeling I felt when around him and so would have said yes, definitely I knew what love was. But then, when that feeling wore off, along with the sheen on his armour, I changed both my perspective and my definition of love. When the point came in my marriage that the feelings were either blank and vacant, or freakishly negative, I would have reasoned that love was a choice, and that my feelings had nothing to do with it...in fact, my feelings, or lack thereof, were just all "fleshly" anyway, and ought to be ignored. My logic would have convinced me that no matter what, you just keep going, feelings be dammed. Now? I've come to the conclusion that love is a mixture of both...feelings, emotion, yes...and choice and action....and that's how God intended it. The feelings of hurt and disappointment are no more fleshly or invalid then are the feelings of joy and appreciation....where the logic comes in, is when we seek to determine if those feelings are valid, and if it's right to be feeling them...and where the choice comes in, is when we decide how we're going to process and respond to those feelings once we've determined if they're valid. But to negate and ignore them because they are "flesh" is as far away from godly truth as we can get. God is a God of feeling, and emotion....all you have to do is read the gospels and circle every emotion word that tags to Jesus to see just how emotional He was. Feelings and emotions are very helpful tools when plodding your way through a marriage....and I've learned to trust mine.

Some of the other changes over the past 25 years of marriage that I'm not so happy about....well, on our wedding day I weighed 118 and now I'm a shade under 180. He still weighs the same. I placate myself by saying I bore the children, but that excuse isn't working anymore, 'specially when I see him running on the treadmill while I'm on the sofa watching a movie and eating Orville Redenbachers Extra Buttery popcorn. I know what my priorities are even if he doesn't!! (jus' kiddin)

I'm not so happy we still have a mortage
But am happy we have still are able to make our payments

I'm not so happy that I'm getting old
But am happy to have one married daughter, which means I have a new son in law and that, hopefully, means grandbabies some day

I'm not so happy that I'm still in the career that I've been hoping to get out of
But am happy that at 47, I'm not afraid to start all over again in the new career I've been training for

I'm not so happy that I sometimes let my relationship with God slide, and it isn't always as intimate and close as He wants it to be
But am happy that my heart continually longs for that kind of a relationship, truly believes it's possible, and recognizes that is is my own laziness that keeps it from happening...and coming to realization is step one

I'm not so happy that I'm not completely "healed" and still stumble over some of the blocks from my childhood
But am happy that I've finally come to realize that He does not judge my performance and is working on and in my heart, and continues to meet me where I am

All in all, I can honestly say that I'm a better person today than I was on my wedding day...not as selfish, not as angry, not as shallow or petty....but that for every single sure footed step I took towards where I am today, I must have stumbled at least two.. will probably always stumble...and isn't that what life is?

As I enter into the next 25 years of life and marriage, I'll not cry that the last 25 years are over....rather, I will laugh that they happened...and am looking forward to spending the rest of my time with those who are laughing with me....

Here's Why I've Been Scarce

Boy, it's been a looooog time since I've blogged.

Times, they sure are a changing! My daughter, BooBoo was married on June 13 to an amazing young man. Haven't got a blogger nickname for him yet, so we'll just call him BooBoo's Boy. He makes her very happy. She makes him very happy. That makes me very happy.

But, that's not the subject of this post.

I also have a son. I've mentioned him in the past. Gruntman and I have had a rather strained, up and down, rollercoaster ride of a relationship the past several years. He is now 20. Trust me, there have been many a night that I've cried upon my bed, and wrestled with God over my son. Many a wrestling matchs where I have come away, not with Jacob's limp, but a broken and worried heart. And yes, that flies in the face of trust, and faith, and trust, and yes, there is a "but" coming.... "but" he's my son. BooBoo and I are extremely close, some say closer than they've seen a mother and daughter. She holds my heart and that will always be so. But Gruntman....I can't explain it. Loving your children defies logic and reason, and that just proves that love is more than a choice. You never love your children "more" though you certainly love them "differently". And since love is NOT just a matter of choice and action, but also, and especially, feeling, and emotion, my feelings of love towards Gruntman has always been of the more chaotic variety, waxing and wanning from utter elation to thread bare agony. No one makes me laugh as hard and no one can make me cry the way he does. BooBoo holds my heart with care and consideration, while Gruntman holds my heart with recklessness.

So, one night, not too long ago, after I'd purposed in my heart to become more self protective when it comes to Gruntman, he woke me up at 3 am to tell me he'd done something really really stupid. In the haze of sleep I heard all those voices in my head that told me to let him have it. Ah, now was my chance for the "I told you so", "or too bad, so sad" or "gee, bucko, you made your bed".... every voice in my head was high pitched, and whiny and seeking revenge. Now I've GOT him!!

I remembered all those "how to be a good Christian parent" books that told me to not enable him, and lay it down hard on the tough love and consequence stuff, and was preparing my "hit him while he's down" speech in my head, when a still small voice whispered...

"Mercy triumphs over judgement".

and all that so called logic and reason became undone.

I listened to him; I heard him out, and caught a real glimpse of what has been driving his behaviour lately. I told him I would help him with his problem and see him through to the end of it. I told him I loved him, always have, always will, and nothing he has done, or can do, will ever change that. It occurred to me that the thing that he did, and the thing that he lost as a result of it, has it's own natural consequence, and I don't have to impose mine to make him "learn a lesson". It has also occurred to me that the best lessons are those that the Father teachs when we all get out of the way with our own modes of punishment, and let Him in to the mix, to probe and prod and awaken the heart. Who better than to enter into my son's conscience than God... His gentle, encouraging voice is far far better than this mother's derision in his head.

A very real shift has occurred in our relationship since that morning wake up call. It was a wake up call in more ways than one. I had prayed earlier that week to show me a way, and then this thing happened, and it feels to me that Holy Spirit was saying "here is your chance, follow My way of mercy, and do not heep judgement, and see what I will do"

I believe now that if I had of responded the way I wanted to our relationship would have been irrepairably harmed. Mercy does indeed triumph over judgement.

TRUST

I've not always been a fan of acrynoms. They come across to me as being a little to formula. But I've been thinking about trust lately and recalled an acrynom that popped into my head a few months ago...TRUST...Total Rest Under Spirit Truth...

When we are learning to trust God, it behooves us to know that it involves our Total being...heart, mind, soul and spirit...we can not say with our mouth we trust, when our soul is freaking out inside. A double minded person is unstable in all his/her ways, and we must learn to trust with every aspect of our selves...our hearts and our heads.

To trust means to Rest. We cannot say we trust, or make endeavours to trust, while we run around trying to figure out things on our own, or ways to get what we want. That includes the changes we are hoping for, whether those changes are external or internal. I often see people who are hoping for some sort of transformation and they wonder why it has not come. (me included) Rather than rest in the timing, method, and means with which God brings it about, they run around looking for reasons, or curses, or what have you, in an attempt to transform themselves. (me included) Heart change is God's pervue. Only He can see into and transform the heart, and from there, make us ready for the other changes (external and internal) He intends to bring to us.


While trust and rest go hand in hand, it is not enough to simply rest without resting Under something. Like a blanket covers us while we rest in our beds, so must we rest under the covering of God. We rest under His omniscience, His omnipresence, His authority, His mercy, His grace, His love, His guidance, His direction, and yes, even His silence. We rest under the knowledge that He has everything in control, and that His promises are more real, more tangible and more supportive then the sofa I'm now resting on. To place ourselves under God, in rest, requires humility. Pride trusts only in itself; pride cannot rest because it has appearances to keep up; only humility brings about total rest under God's care.

Total rest, total trust, always involves total Spirit. Not only can we not trust with our heads alone, but His Spirit speaks to our spirit those things that enable us to trust Him in the first place.

And what are those things that enable us to trust Him in the first place?? That would be the Truth. The truth that He loves you with a love that cannot be measured; even though Paul prayed that you would come to understand the height, depth, breadth, and width of His love for you, you actually cannot comprehend it because it cannot be measured. Then there is the truth that your steps are ordered of Him; the truth that He causes all things to work together for your good, because you love Him and are called according to His purpose; the truth that you are His adopted child, and He does not un-adopt; the truth that He only gives good gifts to His children; the truth that He will never leave you nor forsake you; the truth that He has a future for you, one for your wellness and not for your harm; the truth that He knew you in your mother's womb and every day of your life is written down in His book....I could go on and on....no matter the situation, circumstance, or heart condition that presents itself in an attempt to scatter you, you can totally rest under this Spirit truth....He has you, He will never leave you, He will never quit on you, and nothing concerning you will ever catch Him off guard, disappoint, or surprise Him. He is the One being that you can truly trust.

The Dream

I had a very real, very powerful dream a few nights ago. Now, before I tell you about it, I want to make a disclaimer....this is NO WAY meant to be a theological treatise, or statement about what Jesus did or did not know about His own future, when He walked the earth. This has nothing to do with whether or not He was so God, that He was all knowing, and knew exactly what was going to happen before it happened....or if He was so man that ( just like us) , He had no idea what tomorrow held, and so had to trust His Father every step of the way.

So, with that settled, here was the dream.....Jesus was sitting on a park bench, talking to a small crowd. He told us that living here, when He did, was much harder then any of us thought. He said all He knew was He loved His Father, and longed to glorify and obey Him. He said His Father told Him to go out into the desert, and so He obeyed and went, and after He got there, He knew it was to fast and pray. Then, His Father told Him to come out of the desert and go down to the river, and He obeyed and went, and after He got there, He knew it was to humble Himself into John's baptism. From the first miracle, to the last teaching, everything He did was in direct absolute obediance to what His Father told Him to do. And each time He laid down His divinity and humbled Himself in obediance to what the Father was asking Him to do, He got stronger, and closer, until finally, came the day that the Father told Him to go up to Jerusalem. He obeyed and went and after He got there, He knew it was so He could lay down His life for His Father's children.

When I woke up, I pondered the dream for quite some time, and I kept hearing in my head, "one step, He only gives the direction for one step, then when you obey, you get the direction for the next step, along with the strength you will need to take it"

Having never really thought about it before, I suppose that I had this deep seeded impression that Jesus and His Father must have sat at a board room table in Heaven before Jesus came to earth, mapping, strategizing, and planning every nuance of every single moment of His life on earth, so that nothing was left to chance. He was, afterall, God come to live among His own creation, a pretty risky move. And when you really think about it, He divested Himself of His divinity when He came to live among us...the riskiest move of all! But so long as Jesus, the man, was in relationship with, listened to, heard, and obeyed His all knowing Father, what possibly could have been left to chance? What unexpected surprises could possibly have thrown Him off kilter? wondering what in the world was going on? doubting and second guessing His choices? There were none. Because His steps truly were ordered of His Father, just like our steps truly are ordered of Him...when we know Him, love Him, listen to, and obey Him, with a heart to glorify Him. And for those who then ask...how do I know I am obeying Him? If the cry of your heart is to be in His will, then you are in His will. It really does not get any more simpler then that.